A Realization, Of Sorts...

     I want to write. I want to make sentences that flow from my brain to the page in unexpected ways. I want to create beauty. I want to take an idea and make it so that it’s tangible. I want to inspire. I want to be inspired.  I want to rearrange the same twenty six letters in ways that touch people, and more importantly, I want to rearrange the same twenty-six letters in ways that touch me.

     I have a way with written words, I know this. But it seems that I can only write when feeling particularly inspired.

      I want to be challenged. I want to find something that’s difficult, and I want to fight it and get angry at it, and yell at it and swear off writing forever until I come back five minutes later to face it again.

     I want time. I want the time to write freely, without the pressure of life.

     I want my fingers to keep up with my brain. I want to not lose ideas because the human part of me just couldn't keep up with the sporadic musings that run wild (untamed, rampant) in my mind. I want to not leave sentences half-finished because my thoughts skipped the end of a sentence to start a new paragraph.

     I want to use words. Not just words, beautiful, complex, words. Words that, by themselves, are works of art. Words like “incandescently”, and “spasmodic”, and “existential".

     I want to use written words to express what I can’t articulate out loud. I want to take complex ideas and turn them into something that can be understood. I want to be heard. I want to be heard on the pages that I write on. I want to be heard on the keys that I type on. I want to be heard on screens that you read. I want someone to hear me.

     I want to get my point across in a way that makes sense. I want to turn abstract thought into concrete expression, something tangible.

     I want to create something that’s mine. I want to write every day, because I want to, not because I have to.  I want to write every day because I can. (I just don’t know how.)

     I want to create. I want to create visions. I want to create laughter. I want to create something that makes me indefinitely happy. I want to create something that I can look back on and say “I made that.” “That came from me. That came from my mind.”

     I don’t want to just write. I want to use twenty-six letters to create something beautiful.